This may not come out right. I'm not sure I know how to communicate how I feel.
I march to the beat of a different drum. While the rest of the world marks time to a steady 4/4 beat, I am all over the place. Sometimes I line up and hit the 4/4 with everyone else but that gets tedious after a while so I jump off into a nice 5/4 or a 7/8. If I'm feeling real adventurous I might go off the deep end and try an 11/8 or a 13/8. Of course, I never do a 3/4 or a 6/8. That just looks too much like dancing.
Okay, this weird little intro is my way of saying I just don't think I fit in. Anywhere. I know that somewhere out there (with apologies to the singing mouse) there must be a community of people that I could hang with but I don't know where they are. I wish I did. I am getting lonely again.
The move to Seattle was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. First, I had to move all the way across the country away from family, friends and the south. I did it to be with Sarah and I don't regret that at all. I also have found that I love Seattle as a city. It's beautiful and so full of cool things to do that we'll never get to it all. But Sarah and I found that people here are not friendly like our friends in the south. For the most part, people keep to themselves. The first year was very lonely for us. We both hoped that we would have friends at work. That didn't happen. We both hoped we could connect with people at the first church we went to. That didn't happen. Then we found Northwest Church and we have made many friends there. Quite a few of those people I love to death. But I still get lonely because we just don't operate on the same wavelength. I still don't feel like I can be myself without offending someone. I feel like I am walking on eggshells alot and it's a very uncomfortable place to be. I have felt this way before especially in churches. My solution then was to try and conform to their culture. It didn't work. That is just not me.
Now, here's part of the problem. While I don't swing far enough to one side to be comfortable among Christian folks I also don't swing enough the other way to fit in with the artsy crowd. Deep down in my soul I can be as weird as any of them but I just can't do the piercings, colored hair, retro clothes, etc. It's just not me. I wish I could pull it off but I know I can't. Trying to would be disastrous.
So, where do I fit in? As Popeye always said, "I yam what I yam," and I'm okay with that. But I'm lonely. All I'm looking for is some good conversation with someone who can understand where I'm coming from and not look at me like I'm from another planet.
Who knows. Maybe I am.
I told you this wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to. SIGH.
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5 comments:
Dude-
Pick up the phone and call, or e-mail. I know how you feel - it was the same way when I first moved up here...
Hey Marty,
Anytime you need a sounding board feel free to drop me an email. My sense of humor may be a little touched too, but I blame it on all the Monty Python and Coen Bros in my upbringing. But a guy who can throw Jim Billy Rayburn out of the house without any major injuries is OK in my book.
-Greg
I sent you a couple emails about this.
Blessings,
MB
Who decides what "normal" is anyway? We love you Marty! Keep us honest.
Hey, didn't we have this conversation before about normal? I know how you feel though. It's tough being real and being acceptable at the same time when your thoughts are on a different wavelength. A lot of people, I think, are afraid to go there and won't admit that it's actually a fun place to hangout. And where do you find that place between odd and conservative? Maybe being 50 is the key. When you get to that age, hey, there's no time to waste. I hope for the best with people I meet and figure the one's that won't give me the time of day, well . . . . they just missed out!! Be true to yourself and the people who are real will be true to you. Who needs fake people anyway?
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