Who Am I?

Who am I
I am me
How else to explain
My identity
The when and the where
I can answer that plea
But the who, what and why
Is what eludes me
Am I the work that I do
Or the heart I possess
Am I who I am
When I’m strong or a mess
Am I a student
Or teaching the class
Am I a genius
Or am I an ass
Am I what I eat
Or perhaps what I’ve eaten
Am I a victor
For the foes I have beaten.
Perhaps I’m an actor
In need of a stage
Or maybe a bird
Who’s stuck in a cage.
Am I the art
That I make with my hands
Or am I a builder
In need of some plans
Am I judged by my friends
And the company I keep
By aquaintances shallow
Or relationships deep
A husband, a writer,
A poet, a priest
Am I this more
Or am I that least
These words could continue
For a year and a week
And I’d be no closer
To the answers I seek
At the end of the day
In the mirror I see
the answer quite simply
Who am I
I am me

© 2006 by Marty Gordon

The Call: Identity and Cultural Pressure

"Only when we respond to Christ and follow his call do we become our real selves and come to have personalities of our own."*

This statement may be true in a perfect world but, as we all know, this world is less than perfect. I responded to Christ in 1979. It is now 2006 and I know less about my "real self" than I ever have. Part of the reason for this is culture.
Can anyone truly have a personality of their own? Perhaps if dumped on a deserted island and left to develop unhindered by culture...maybe. What I am trying to get at is that no one is untouched by their surroundings. Everyone succumbs, in one way or another, to their environment and culture. And, whether for good or for bad, it shapes us.
Growing up in a Southern Baptist church, I was severely affected by that culture. My ideas about God and faith have their foundations in that denomination. The culture of the 70's that surrounded me during my high school years shaped many things about me that are still within me. College art classes had a particular culture during the 80's that I was a part of. Some of that is still with me today. Attending a Southern Baptist seminary in the early 90's exposed me to a culture that, like it or not, still affects me to this day. Being a minister, first in a Southern Baptist church and then in a non-denominational one, placed me in cultures that, inevitably, would shake my faith to it's core. While in transition from the single life to marriage, I've attended a few churches whose cultures made me more than a little uncomfortable.
As a result of all this and more, I wonder if the quote I have posted can be true. Is it Christ that shapes our "real self" or is it our family or our work environment or is it culture or is it a synchronicity of all those things? I believe it's the latter.
As Christians, Christ is, of course, the ultimate model for us. But we're human beings and we can't help but be affected by what surrounds us. Even the greatest Christians in the world (whoever they may be) can't help but be altered by it. My wife and I once attended a church where people talked and looked and behaved a certain way. Alot of the men and women were becoming little clones of the pastor and his wife. My wife related to me an instance where someone she was shopping with picked out an outfit based on the fact that it looked like something the pastor's wife would wear. This is a severe example but these churches do exist. They are what I call "Stepford Churches."
So, how can we surrender our lives to Christ, follow his call and become our "real selves" without becoming baby Osteens? If you have an answer, comment away. I'm not an Osteen but I still haven't discovered the "call" and my "real self" as of yet. I'm still seeking.

*Source: The Call by Os Guinness

Halloween

It's my favorite time of year. It's so nice to not be in the Bible belt where so many folks adhere to the doctrine that Halloween is evil. For me it's a time when adults don't need an excuse to be a kid again. I wish we had more opportunities during the year for that.
Sarah and I will be celebrating in various ways. Today, we are carving pumpkins. Starting last night, we started watching horror movies. We're watching the oldies because Sarah can't handle the gore. It's cool though. The old horror flicks are quite fun.
On Sunday night, I believe we're going to walk the neighborhood and look at the decorations. The picture I have posted is from a yard about 4 blocks away. The Reaper is quite a complex sculpture of metal. He's about 12 feet tall and towers over the corner of the street. I want to go back and get a shot of the Reaper and the giant Scarecrow after dark.
On Tuesday night, we're participating in Trunk or Treat at our church. Sarah and I have adopted a pirate theme and since we work at a theatre, our costumes will be pretty cool. I will post pics from any and all events as long as they turn out okay.
Last year, I wrote a Halloween poem and posted it here. I'm working on another one and hope to post it before Halloween is over.
So, to all you ghosts and ghouls out there...have a happy, happy Halloween!

Doubt vs. Conviction

"Doubt requires more courage than conviction does, and more energy; because conviction is a resting place and doubt is infinite--it is a passionate exercise." - John Patrick Shanley

Sarah and I saw Shanley's play Doubt a few weeks ago but I failed to read the essay in the program. Jeff recently saw the play and quoted the essay on his blog. The quote above really struck a chord in me.
If you've been reading my blog, you know that I've been experiencing a lot of doubt. Doubt about God and what he's up to. Doubt about whether he really does love us all or even if he really exists at all. I don't know that I agree with the quote when it calls doubt courageous. I feel no courage in me these days...only fear. But I do agree with the idea of conviction being a resting place. For years I trudged though this world standing on the Southern Baptist convictions that were so entrenched in me. It was a bit of a resting place for me although there has always been a tinge of doubt residing in my soul. But the last couple of years have been a rocky, roiling turmoil of doubt. A storm at sea with few eyes for a brief respite. Despite all that, I am glad that I am not in a place of resting when it comes to my faith because that would indicate that I feel that I have arrived (as Paul said). Quite the opposite is true of me. I am constantly in a state of learning and also in a constant state of realizing that I know exactly nothing.
So give me the stormy seas of infinite doubt over the rock solid Sabbath of conviction. If, through doubt, I continue to seek answers, then that will encourage growth. That also means that I can expect growing pains. Instead of resisting, perhaps I should embrace this doubt and ride it's everlasting waves. Through doubt, perhaps I will regain my faith and find God again. And if so, let's hope it's a new level of understanding and not the old comfort zones I left behind. Growth hurts like hell but I guess it's time I accepted it.

Harper Lee on Writing

"To be a serious writer requires discipline that is iron fisted. It's sitting down and doing it whether you think you have it in you or not. Everyday. Alone. Without interruption. Contrary to what most people think, there is no glamour to writing. In fact, it's heartbreak most of the time."

Booklist

Mockingbird: A Portrait of Harper Lee by Charles J. Shields - It was nice to delve into the life of the author of my favorite book. Since Lee is somewhat of a recluse and hasn't granted an interview since a couple of decades ago, culling the information was quite the challenge for the author (which he states in the introduction). The book is an interesting read except for the middle portion where Lee assists Truman Capote with his work on In Cold Blood. At that point, it's tough to tell whether it's a book about Lee or Capote. In all fairness, Capote does play a major part in Lee's life, having grown up together in Monroeville, AL. Later in the book, the author probes the question of why Lee never wrote another book. That question, it seems, doesn't have a solid answer and Lee isn't telling. All in all, this was an enjoyable read which shed, at least, a little light on the life of Harper Lee.
It's interesting to note that where Lee grew up (and lives still) is only a couple of hours away from my hometown of Pensacola, FL. I've been there, shopping at the Vanity Fair Outlet before it closed. It's a shame that I never sought out the courthouse that was the model for the one in To Kill A Mockingbird. Through this book I also found out that the town does a play of the book once a year in the actual courthouse. That would be something to see. Next time I get home, I may have to travel to the sleepy town of Monroeville. Who knows, maybe I'll take my copy of To Kill A Mockingbird in the hopes that I might run into Lee and get an autograph. I could say Boo Radley sent me. I'm sure she never hears that.

The Call: Eyes of Love

With my new iPod, I've been listening to some music I've let lay dormant for a while. Today I've been listening to Trevor Rabin's Can't Look Away. The lyrics hit me differently today than they did a couple of years ago when I used to listen to this CD all the time. These lyrics certainly reflect my "seeking" mode at the present time. I guess this could be my prayer for the day, week, month, year, decade...ad infinitum.

Are you searching for an answer?
Are you questioning it all?
I can reach you
But I can't feel you
Are you living in surrender
Or just waiting for a call?

Eyes of love look
Down on me
When you gonna see
Eyes of love send down the key
Will you deliver me

Eyes of Love by Trevor Rabin and Bob Ezrin

The Call: Leonardo da Vinci

"...da Vinci would have been wiser to concentrate on a few gifts rather than the many that comprised his genius. This lack of focus, they said, was why he 'procrastinated' while others, like Michelangelo, 'produced.' 'Alas,' Pope Leo X exclaimed dismissively of da Vinci, 'this man will never get anything done, for he is thinking about the end before he begins.'"*

I am not putting myself on da Vinci's level but I do relate with this statement. Many times I am cowed to inaction by the many different things I like to do. Most days I'm am uncertain whether to work on a painting or a collage or to write some prose or a story or to start one of the novels I have ideas for or to write a play. I went through a phase where I was writing music and I am a bit glad that has subsided because it was one more thing competing for creation. I also need to find time to practice on the djembe and to start memorizing lines and working on character for the two productions I am in. It would also be great if I could find the time to read these wonderful books that I have piled up everywhere in the house. Let's face it, I enjoy too much stuff: writing, music, art, acting, reading...where will I fit it all in.
Perhaps I should do as I did several years ago and give up television. Granted, Sarah and I are taping everything and watching it at our convenience but still, it eats up some time.
I suppose it's not bad. I could be one of those people that I hear every once in a while say, "I wish I had a hobby."
Here, take one of mine.

*Source: The Call by Os Guinness

iGot an iPod

I got a black Apple 30 GB iPod yesterday...and I love it! I took it to work today and listening to tunes made the time fly. It's going to take me a while to get all my favorite tunes on this thing. It'll hold around 7500 songs. That is, what they call in the industry, a buttload of music!
Of course, it's going to take a few days to really see what this baby can do. (in other words, I gotta learn how to use the thing) Last night while it was going thru it's set up deal, it put a bunch of stuff on the iPod I didn't want and then I couldn't figure out how to get them off. I sorta discovered it by accident. It's all good. I learned enough to get some tunes on there for today. I am now working on importing some of my favorite music.
Man, I wish I'd had one of these when I travelled with the Company. Back then I had a portable CD player and you had to hold it just right so it wouldn't skip. Then I had a CD case that held about 50 CDs because I never know what mood I'm going to be in. This little baby would have saved me so much room.
Sarah makes fun of me for all my "expensive toys" as she likes to call them. Hey! I love music and I gotta have my tunes. She wouldn't say anything if there was one of these things that held all your shoes. The shoePod from Apple.
I love the way my mind works...don't you?

The Call: Flow

I found this quote in an interview with a fellow named Benjamin Ady on a site called Conversation at the Edge.

"Dr. Csikszentmihalyi talks about this lovely self forgetful thing that happens called “flow” which is when one’s skill set and the challenges one is facing meet in this lovely synergistic way–like I suppose what totally happens for Lance Armstrong when he is cycling."

I can totally relate. I am still waiting for this to happen to me.

The Glory Bugles

Years ago, a youth minister played a song for me called "If Your Hair's Too Long (There's Sin in Your Heart). At the time I had long hair and I thought it was hysterical. I don't know why it crossed my mind today (probably because I'm playing a southern pastor in the Christmas play) but I went online to find it. What I found was this. Make sure you listen to the sound clips. I love the "Hair" song and "Peter's Rooster." There's also some video clips on the video page. The blonde is actually Bonnie Keen who used to sing with First Call. I saw her singing backup for Russ Taff many moons ago.
I also found a video of The Glory Bugles singing live in at a Nashville radio station. View it here.
Come heck or high water, I am going to have to order this CD.

Free Hugs

The Atheist and the Lutheran

An atheist named Eliza is attending what is called an Adult Information Class at a Lutheran church in Seattle. She is reporting everything that happens here. Check it out. It's good stuff.

Third Place

"The Third Place is a term used in the concept of community building to refer to social surroundings separate from the two usual social environments of home and the workplace."*

Last night, Sarah and I hosted the arts group from church. It was a great time of discussing issues of faith and art and also a great time of fellowship. Last night we discussed truth in art. I was a bit puzzled about where we were going with it but caught on toward the end. I'll work on another post with my thoughts about that later.
After a year and a half being in Seattle, it's great to finally have a third place. (Thanks to Mark for introducing this concept to me on his blog) We seem to really click with these folks and we are so happy about that. It's been a bit lonely out here with so few friends. I think the group of folks that met with us last night will be our core. Art is such a big part of who Sarah and I are that it's nice to be around a bunch of folks who understand that. They came right in to our home, looked at the art on our walls, toured our studio, and understood. They don't think it's weird or strange. They understand because they are artists too. I'm really looking forward to see how these relationships pan out. I really hope it can be a third place for Sarah and I.

*Source: Wikipedia

Humbug!

Tonight was a disappointing night. We all received our cast assignments for A Christmas Carol tonight and the results were less than thrilling. I would be perfectly willing to admit a strong case of envy but I am rather disappointed for some of the other folks in the class as well. In my opinion, poor choices were made in the casting. I was also a little disappointed while doing the read through in that it didn't seem that the instructor was as thoroughly prepared as she should have been.
One thing that I am struggling with is the void in my life where theatrical experiences used to be. Sure, I work for a theatre...as a custodian. I don't get to act or write or do any of the creative stuff. On the East Coast, at least I had a bit of a network to plug into. Enough people knew me so that, on occasion, I would get to teach at a conference or help with a script or something. Out here, a big, fat nothing. I'm so thankful that I am still being asked to collaborate on scripts for Summersalt in SC. It's one of the highlights of my year. I really miss what used to fill that theatrical void in my life. I really do. And I totally do not know what to do to try and get it back.
So there, I've vented. I've whined without the cheese to go with it. Hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow and I will attempt to have a professional attitude about this and give my best despite my feelings. I really hate theatrical folk who pout and whine and pitch fits and I don't want to be one of those people. So, I beat my head against the wall, curse into the wind, blog, and go about my business.
I hope.