Our NW Art group met last night. Jeff previewed a few songs from our upcoming Christmas musical for us. The songs are good and I found myself getting excited about it.
Actually, what I began to feel was, for lack of a better word, an antsiness about it. As Jeff played the songs I felt as though I couldn't be still. I finally went and grabbed my djembe...even though I didn't play along very much. The way I was feeling just stems from the fact that I miss performing music.
It's been a little over 3 years since I've had opportunities to sing and/or play the drums. I did assist in leading worship at Sanctuary a couple of Sundays when we were attending there but my heart wasn't in it. I just didn't click with the leadership there. I have resisted auditioning for the worship band at NW because I just don't know if my heart is there anymore. I want to sing and perform but I don't know if I can actually worship...which, I think, is a very important thing if you are worship leader.
So, here I sit with longing in my heart to be involved in music, in some way, again. Perhaps I will get a part in the musical. Perhaps some other opportunities will arise. I hope so. When I'm not able to use my gifts I get...grumpy. When I see other folks who are given opportunities to use their gifts while I am sidelined I get angry and envious. I work at a theatre where I am not given the chance to perform and sometimes it bugs me. I go to church and see people up on stage doing what I used to do musically and it bugs me. I hear people talk about their writing and how it's getting some attention and it bugs me. I go into coffeeshops and galleries and see art hanging on the wall that's not mine (and, call it arrogance if you like, that's not as good as mine) and it bugs me. Do I want to feel this way? No. Can I stop it? So far, no.
I know that I will survive this. I have my visual art to keep me busy. I am having some small successes with it and that helps. But there are parts of me that want to be alive and, right now, they are dead. I hope they get a chance for resurrection.