I just returned from lunch with Jeff at Macaroni Grill. We usually get together for coffee on occasion but we've been so busy of late it just hasn't happened. Today found us pondering issues of spirituality, faith, worship, art and the busyness of our own lives.
The main reason we got together was to discuss worship. The interim worship leader at our church is leaving and that brings up lots of questions about what a musical worship service at our church will look like in the future. I'm sure that, no matter what form it might take, I'll be involved in some way. We spent some time rehashing where I am on my "journey." The crux of the matter for me has been to not be a hypocrite leading worship while I'm dealing with this crisis of faith. I think what it all boils down to is, in the long run, everyone is church leadership everywhere is dealing with something. They don't like to admit it (or they're not allowed to) but who among us is truly without some kind of sin or issue in our life. I was raised in a culture that believed if you weren't "walking with God" (or however your particular church culture phrases it) you shouldn't be leading. I have been so steeped in that rule it's hard to get my head around anything else. I have so much Baptist baggage...it's pathetic. Anyway, I'm not communicating this very well. The long and short of it is, whatever musical worship becomes at our church in the near future, I'll probably have some part to play in it. I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with weird feelings about it but that's all part of the journey too.
Jeff said something as we were talking that is going to give me a lot to think about. Jeff said basically that he believed me to be a very gifted person and that God had his hand on me. It's something I've heard over and over again in my life. I don't know if it's true or not. I used to really believe it was true but nowadays I don't know what to believe. Crap, it's just too much to ponder right now. I'm going to end this before I write myself into a corner I can't get myself out of. Man, I really enjoy talking to Jeff but I always leave with a throbbing noggin.