An Uncool Guy in the City of Cool

I've never been cool. I may have thought I was cool during certain parts of my life but it was just a self-delusion. I am just not a cool guy and I probably never will be. Most of the time I'm okay with that but sometimes I wonder why I am not cool and why I can't enjoy the things that would make me cool. Living in Seattle escalates this quite a bit. No matter where you go you are surrounded by cool people, the people I usually call hipsters. What do hipsters like that I don't? Well, here are some.

Coffee - As a rule, I don't like coffee. Every once in a while you might catch me with a mocha but it's usually more chocolate than coffee. Because I don't like coffee, I am missing out on one of the biggest hipster pasttimes of all time...hanging out in coffeeshops. Unless I'm meeting someone to do a bit of chatting, I don't usually frequent the places. I'd rather be at home.

Music - I do not get the kind of music that hipsters listen to. I know there are all kinds but I've never heard any of it that made me go, "Wow!" It's all just an assortment of droning, moaning, pseudo-electronica, emo, goth, add-your-own-cliche-here junk. And what is up with Johnny Cash. Why are they all in love with the Man in Black? Sure, I'll buy into the fact that Johnny was a pioneer of country music. But a rock and roller? No way. Somehow Mr. Cash has been elevated to a pedestal worshipped by hipsters. I don't get it. I like music that is well-crafted, well-played and utilizes more than 3 chords. Oh, and if it's not too much to ask, I'd like for the singer to be able to sing.

Art - I guess if there's a category where I sort of approach cool status, it might be art. My stuff's pretty edgy and it fits right in with all the young urban stuff that's out there. I suppose people are usually shocked to find out I'm a pretty conservative 45 year old guy. But there are some styles of art, mostly fads, that I don't get. There's a style that's prevalent now...I don't know what it's called...it drives me crazy. It's just all this smooth, flourishy stuff jammed into corners and leaking mod versions of Art Nouveau-ness onto the page at random. If I find an example of it I'll post it. That stuff...it's like eating jello. There's not much too it. I understand that the computer is an awesome tool for art. I use mine on occasion. But people, please learn the fundamentals before you start trouncing all over them. Okay, rant over.

Clothes - I don't even know how to describe hipster style to you. It's all over the place. I've never been in style. Give me a pair of jeans, some comfy shoes and an oversized buttondown shirt and I'm good to go. Thank God I have Sarah to help me dress now. I look better than I've looked in years. Not cool mind you, but better.

Intellectual/Philosophical/Theological Talk - Sorry. Can't run with the big dogs on this one either. I'm just not the navelgazing type. Sure, I have opinions but I usually express them with a big dose of self-deprecating humor. I just think we all take things way too seriously. My friend Jeff always tells me there's a lot of intellectual stuff going on in my art. I'll buy that but there's also a tongue planted firmly in cheek. I like to play the devil's advocate. I'll throw an issue out there and then retreat to a dark corner to watch the dogfight. My philosopy has always been "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." (Proverbs 17:28) So, I think I'll just remain stupid but silent.

Movies - I have tried...oh, how I've tried...to like some of the indie darling films that you hear about from time to time. For the most part I have hated every single one of them. Most I don't get. I can't remember the last one I saw but a great example of one I did see one time was Thumbsucker. Holy crap! What was that all about? Call me shallow. I like to see things get blown up, people flying, spaceships crashing. Uh oh. Wait a minute. I actually heard that it's cool to be a geek now. No, that can't be right. I don't think I can handle the pressure of being cool all of a sudden.

Well, that's all I can think of. Let me know if I've forgotten anything.