Disconnected

There was one little thing in The Amber Spyglass that resonated with me. In the dialogue, Will is talking to Mary about when she stopped believing in God.

"Did you miss God?" asked Will.
"Yes," Mary said, "terribly. And I still do. And what I miss most is the sense of being connected to the whole of the universe. I used to feel I was connected to God like that, and because he was there, I was connected to the whole of creation. But if he's not there, then..."

and a few pages later, Mary ponders...

"When she'd been a Christian, she had felt connected, too; but when she left the Church, she felt loose and free and light, in a universe without purpose."

I understand this. Since the beginnings of my Crisis of Faith, I have gradually begun to feel disconnected. And I do miss God...terribly. Also, in the wake of my recent health issues I have found that I don't have the security about death that I used to have. It can be pretty scary. I don't want to feel this way but it's the way I feel right now.