Wednesday, August 24, 2005

What the Church is Not!

The Country Club
Welcome to the Country Club…the right place for the right kind of people. Here, you will find that we cater to your every need…for a price, that is. Once you have passed our membership screening process and paid your dues, you will have access to the finest facilities to be found anywhere. At the Country Club, our motto is "If you pay the price, we’ll make everything nice."

The Stadium
Good morning, sports fans. Paint your face, wave your pennant and get ready for the event of the week. No sitting on your hands in this stadium. We’ve got spirit…yes we do! We’ve got spirit…how about you! It’s time to give it all you’ve got. Jump, shout and let it all out…we gotta root, root, root for the home team. Let’s get ready to rumble!

The Gallery
Thank you for attending our opening. Within these walls you’ll find the greatest collection of human accomplishment ever assembled. We take great pride in our massive compilation of past achievements. Quite frankly, even though we deserve it, it’s difficult to pat ourselves on the back for all we’ve done because we’re too busy resting on our laurels.

Boot Camp
Hut-2-3-4. Hut-2-3-4. Platoon, halt! You are now entering the most secure facility known to mankind. We have the strongest walls, the sharpest barbed wire and the most dangerous weapons in the world. Our standards are the highest anywhere and we only accept soldiers who have received the correct training. If you do not meet up to our standards, you will stay outside of these walls until you are ready to be one of the few and the proud. Is that understood? I can’t hear you.

Border Patrol
Welcome to the Border. Please move to the right, empty your pockets of all valuables and prepare to be searched. Please place all your bags on the table, open them, then step back in line for the inspection process. Our methods may seem a little harsh to you but we cannot allow just anybody to cross our borders. If, after our screening process is complete, you are found to match the criteria for citizenship, you will be allowed to enter. If you do not match, you will have to turn around and go back to where you came from.

Copyright 2004 Marty Gordon

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