I have been wondering what's wrong with me lately and I think I may have hit on something. I am grieving but not just in the obvious ways.
I am still grieving the loss of Max. I have always been a sensitive soul when it comes to animals and I fall in love with them way too deeply. Animals are just so awesome. They give love and never betray us. Max was more than a pet to me. He was a companion. He is gone and I miss him terribly. I think this grief over Max has given me insight into my grieving over other losses as well. I think I am grieving over the loss of many things in my life right now. For some reason they are all crashing in on me at this moment and it's very difficult to deal with it.
- As friend Jeff always says, "I've always wanted to be a big deal." When he says it I understand where he's coming from. I have always wanted that too. Not necessarily in a big celebrity kind of way but I've just wanted people to know my work and respect it. In the past, I have had some great opportunities to feel like a big deal. In the past few years, this hasn't happened and I guess I miss the feeling. I know it's not true but I feel like I have lapsed into being a nobody. I am a hugely talented guy but I feel as thought I am dwelling in the shadows, eclipsed by the more "me" oriented talent that travel with a light over their heads. I don't crave the spotlight but I do like to have a candle lit in my honor from time to time.
- I am also grieving the loss of friendships. I grieve that my closest, dearest friends are so far away from me and I don't talk to them or see them nearly enough. I grieve over the fact that making new friends is tough, partially because people aren't as friendly here in the NW but partly because I am less trusting. I suppose you could say I am also grieving my ability to trust. I have been betrayed in some mighty big ways and it has scarred me. I grieve the fact that I can't open up to people who want to enter my life. I want to open up but I honestly don't know how anymore. It feels too much like opening a wound so that someone can rub dirt in it. I want friends, need them but I don't know how to get back to the place where I know how to have them. Another obstacle in this area is that my concept of friendship is so much higher than most folks. I want deep, lasting friendships filled with meaningful encounters and deep conversations. I don't do shallow and refuse to play that game. At this point in my life I don't need any more aquaintances. I need Proverbs 17:17 friends.
- Last but not least, I grieve the loss of my relationship with God. At this point, I flip-flop between belief and disbelief and it's left a hole in my life. Many of the opportunities to use my talents are wrapped up in the issue of faith. I enjoy singing but I can't lead worship anymore. Sure, I could get up and fake it but that's not the kind of person I am. I can't be false like that. So, I don't do it because I don't want to sing love songs to God because right now I don't love Him. But I do miss the relationship.
I can't properly express everything that I am feeling. I don't have the words. But I am glad to know that it's grief I am experiencing. Perhaps by giving it a name I can learn how to deal with it.