Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Minister and The Clumsy Stripper

I haven't had much to blog about lately so I'm going to try and remember some entertaining stories from my past to fill in the gaps. This is one of my favorites and it could only happen to me.
Once upon a time, back when I was still a minister in Columbia, SC, I had to get my jeep worked on. I took it to my favorite mechanics of all time, Todd and Randy at Giles Auto Repair. I don't remember what was wrong with it but that doesn't matter. When I stopped by to pick up my vehicle, an attractive (in a rode hard, put up wet kind of way) woman was in the office talking to Randy. She was talking up a storm and cursing to the high heavens. Randy couldn't get a word in edge-wise. When I tried to sneak in a question to Randy about whether the jeep was ready or not, she began to take notice of me and -BAM- I was now an active participant in this one-sided conversation. During her chatter, I picked up on a few things. I gleaned that she was a stripper at Platinum Plus and that she must not be a very good one because she had a black eye that she said was a result of her falling off the stage. The chatter continued laced with racy talk and expletives. I finally looked at Randy and said under my breath, "I could have some fun with this if she knew what I did for a living."
Well, clumsy or not, she had good ears because she heard me. Without missing a beat she turns on me and says,"Well, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a minister," I said, hoping it would cause her to stop talking like a sailor.
It didn't. It only made it worse. She looked at me for a second and then she asked the question that turned the tide, "Well, you can have sex, right?"
After that, my mouth failed to work correctly. I remember that she kept asking me if I could have sex and I think I answered her the way a minister should...but I'm not sure. I think I said something like, "Well, you know, the Bible says that you shouldn't before you get married."
I thought it would end there. It didn't. She said, "Oh, I read the Bible," and she grabbed my hand and dragged me out in the parking lot. She took me to her car and showed me that she had one of those Bible Pocket Promise books. I'm sure I said something like, "That's nice," and proceeded to head back inside. She stopped me and asked once more, "So, you really don't have sex?"
"Well," I answered, "I'd have to get a date first." (my love life at that point in time was infamously non-existent)
Before she could respond to that, I raced inside and Todd told me the jeep was ready. I quickly gave Randy a harsh look, (he did nothing to help me the whole time...he just sat there and laughed) grabbed the keys and left faster than a scalded dog.
The next time I went in there, Randy made sure that he ragged me about the whole ordeal. I politely asked if he had seen her lately and he said that she hadn't been around much because she was reassigned to the Platinum Plus in Greenville. He told me that if he saw her again, he'd be sure to give her my phone number. I told him if he did, he'd not be able to work on cars because his hands would be broken.

1 comment:

Cassie said...

Sounds like a Candid Camera moment!